Emo Rant - Love life.

My name is Casey, common name really, but hey, it works. I'm currently 19 and let me tell you, my love life couldn't be more pathetic.

In grade school, of course, I had nothing to do with love, very few people did, it was all about having friends and having fun. Best time of my life. Then I hit 3rd, 4th and 5th grades and it was then I discovered what having a crush on someone meant. Even then, though, I was young, every kid could crush on anyone and not care what happened and I'll not be afraid to admit I had some hot daycare teachers. Not everything lasts long when you're young. I got over them quickly moved on to the next person I thought looked nice and so on and so forth.

When I got into middle school, things got a bit more serious. I started to focus more on the people who were around my age if they weren't in a higher grade anyway. It was middle school that I started seeing more and more couples going about. Kissing, hugging, arm wrapping, the works. In my head, it was all, "Man I want some of that." I'm sure this task of finding someone to date wouldn't have been hard at all. Just a few things kept me from accomplishing this. I was shy. I was quiet. I was worried. What if I did something wrong, not only do I embarrass easily, I make it really obvious. This always kept me from making it over that first step all the time. Didn't matter who I had the crush on or how I tried to plan it. The result always seemed to end the same. It was the same thing all the way up through 8th grade.

When I got to high school, the situation became it's absolute hardest. With hormones at their strongest, the school was hit with drama of some kind no matter who you were, where you were or what the situation of love it was. A large majority of my friends were dating by now and the fact some were worse then others did not make me realize that people screw up. I kept huddled up inside my imaginary shell. It was here that I realized how depressed I got watching people who did date. It is a horrible feeling, especially if you're the person who wants to embrace what someone else is experiencing. Having no backbone to be able to stand up and go is not the most impressive thing to have. By around the last couple of years of High school, there was a transfer student from Maryland, peppy goth type, loved anime, she was a computer tard's dream in a sense. I had the honor of being her friend, after having moved spots from the place everyone hangs at when they go to school (no student dared enter another 'territory' unless they were allowed, you get that whole dilemma). I was hiding from someone so I moved over to where a few of my other friends hung out, this same girl hung around here as well to my surprise. I kept to myself of course, curled into my knees like the emo kid I was. This girl, her name was Eevee, she and a few of the others came over to greet and introduce me, also wondering why I was over there. I definately wasn't one of them, socially. The girl recognized me from the class we both had that same year. Eagerly, I was pulled in by force, peacefully of course. I enjoyed the group I was part of, they made me feel better. I didn't mention anything about how badly I was crushing though, obviously. I hadn't known it but Eevee was a DS player. She and I talked to each other in classes we had together by DS chat. At this time we'd roughly known each other around a year and things, as I noticed, became more and more intimate between the two of us, and in one class while we were DS chatting, we ended up dating each other. My heart raced to this event. I won't get into detail about all the good things that came of this, instead I'll skip ahead to when we had to separate, both from schools and from each other. Around the start of the last year of high school, she told me she'd have to move and that meant transferring schools again. Normally, I'd have a fit but it couldn't be controlled. I'd adapt and for a while after she moved, I did. She made new friends there very quickly, one I should have kept a better eye on. His name was Chase. I had met him and he was a pretty decent guy, an awesome friend as well. Due to my lack of being able to able to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted, I couldn't see Eevee as much as I liked. It got so bad that I got a call from her one day. When I answered, I heard not a welcoming and warming hello from the girl I loved but crying, and sniffling. As any lover would do, male or female, I immediately went on the defensive and started asking questions until one answer was this. "I had sex with Chase." Everything went silent. I'm glad my family wasn't home cause I was surely crying myself soon after. Even more sad about this. I was way to open with our relationship. I let her do things she probably shouldn't be allowed too while we were together. It was my first relationship though. How should I have known? I certainly didn't ask people who were in a relationship. All I knew was that this was bad. I didn't know how to console her, how to make her feel better, not even able to scold her, I wasn't a mean person. Anyone who knew me knew I would never yell at someone unless they were family. The only other times after that phone call the two of us talked was to let me know she wasn't pregnant on a later call and after telling me that we simply couldn't see each other anymore on DeviantART. That note was the last I ever saw from the girl. this happened just a year and a half ago, since then I've done nothing other than deviantART related things. I've since dated online with about five people. The last of them I dated twice because of a difficulty in communication.

Her name is Jennifer. She is 20 years of age presently. Her family is beyond crucial. With a house full of racists, she can only look to her mom for the most comfort. I have been dating her, excluding the first time we dated, around half a year to a full year now. I made the mistake once of letting her go because we couldn't connect. Now that we have, I've seen so much more to her. how amazing she is, how happy she makes me, how much of an impact she has on my day to day life. I can't go five minutes without having a thought buzz about her in my head. I'm hoping her family will see it in their heart to come down and meet me someday so I can meet her in person. I look forward to a future that Jennifer and I will share together..Even if it never becomes a physical togetherness.

C.S.-Z